Betcha tall model could flush out Osama

first_img On the flight, Tyra briefs them that this is a War on Terror – not terriers. Due to a translation error, the CIA had made that mistake earlier and rounded up all small dogs in Pakistan. Tyra then challenges the ladies to analyze the motivation behind Osama Bin Laden’s latest audio communication. One suspects that he was sick of the camera adding 10 pounds. Unimpressed, Tyra suits her up with a parachute pack, and pushes her and her Louis Vuitton luggage from the plane. That leaves two beautiful, fierce contestants, but only one can become America’s Next Top Model in the War on Terror. The winner will get her own satellite photo shoot and a one-year contract as an air marshal. “Whether at an airport or a fashion show, a runway would be lucky to have either of you,” Tyra says. The final challenge: To date, thousands of troops haven’t been able to lure the 6-foot-5 bin Laden from his caves. But a Tyra-girl who is tall and fierce just might disarm him with her smile, long enough for a stroll on the jagged rocks. With a “go girl” sendoff, Tyra airdrops the contestants near Tora Bora to start their search. Thinking it was Bora Bora, one is dressed in a string bikini and starts looking for the ocean. Her confusion pays off, as the tall terrorist spots this vision of fierceness, and emerges from hiding. Her height intrigues him – finally, an American with whom he can see eye to eye. She smiles coyly as he approaches her, knowing once they are alone, she’ll show him what a holy terror she can be. It’s like a fiercer “Where’s Waldo,” with all Americans as winners. When asked if he had any interest in Tyra Banks, President Bush said he didn’t have an account there. Seems the War on Terror will continue without models. That’s a shame – it would be awfully cool to see such fierce beauties gathering intelligence under Tyra’s tutelage. Amy Tenowich is a freelance writer and graduate student of journalism at University of Southern California. Write to her by e-mail at [email protected] local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set! Now more than ever, America needs to give a fresh face to homeland security. Tyra Banks, known for her fierce presence on the catwalk, resigned from modeling last year after discovering a new dimple near her buttocks. But she has quickly moved into a television career. On “America’s Next Top Model,” Tyra puts aspiring fashionistas through a series of challenging photo shoots, like being suspended from a building in superhero outfits and posing with constricting snakes – all geared to help young women embrace their own inner fierceness. Banks is a born leader. If only she could channel her supermodel savvy into running a competition of more gravity, like one involving national security. What if she were contracted to find the next top model to fight the War on Terror? That’s fierce. AD Quality Auto 360p 720p 1080p Top articles1/5READ MORESanta Anita opens winter meet Saturday with loaded card We need some pretty faces to reverse the current Ugly American stereotype. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld just don’t have the goods for the gig. The competition begins with Q and A. Tyra asks the models how they would locate al-Qaida. One eager contestant suggests calling information to find out where Al lives. She’d also Google other members of the Qaida family, then scan Internet dating sites to see if any have profiles posted by area. Tyra dismisses her, saying this strategy had already been tried by the administration on 9-12, and failed. The first task addresses a key aspect of homeland security – border patrol. It’s the perfect job for models, who are not only tall enough to scan long distances, but who are also accomplished in walking with fierce authority. Tyra drops them in the Yuma desert. It’s rough terrain, but she reminds the girls that working a smoky runway in heels is equally treacherous, especially with other models trying to trip you. The ladies strut along the border, and one pins a coyote (smuggler) to the sand with her stilettos while body-waxing him. Tyra disqualifies her for using cruel and inhumane treatment. A top model must also be a role model. In another test, the girls must demonstrate their diplomacy skills in response to the government’s new rules allowing passengers to once again bring scissors and tools on commercial flights. A top model has to assure Americans of their safety, even when it seems compromised by policy. A feisty competitor proposes a public raffle for rides with the president on Air Force One, adding that the safety of the new carry-on provisions could be tested during those flights. Before Tyra can respond, government agents appear suddenly and escort the model to a secret prison in Eastern Europe, where she will be condemned to a mirror-less cell. Once the contest is whittled down on the current “Top Model,” the girls are sent to Paris or another fashion mecca. In this version, the girls are deployed to the Middle East. last_img

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